Monday, March 30, 2015

A New Normal--Or Is It?

In a previous post, I mentioned that the fatigue that held me captive for most of 2014 should have scared me more than it did. This is one hundred percent the case. Recently, a friend--who is a nursing student--mentioned that the time I got sick after walking the five blocks from CVS to Panera definitely concerned her. I remember believing that day was a fairly good one, but now, from a place where I am physically better, I wonder why I wasn't seriously freaked by that occurrence--and the myriad of similar ones I can point to over the past eighteen months or so.

Let me be clear: I was not okay with the turn my health had taken. I was exhausted, miserable, and demoralized. I was also resigned. The severity of my disability has fluctuated over time; I'd had multiple surgeries--and a couple of post-op infections; I had mild, but chronic, depression and my meds needed adjustment; my back still hurt, which had me on pain meds. All of this is to say, I had excuses. They're all valid, as is my most recent explanation--after my last surgery in November, we discovered I'd become pretty severely anemic. No one knows when it happened, thanks to a mix-up regarding my pre-op labs prior to my past three surgeries. Since I began treating that, and got my other meds fixed, I've felt much better. None of these excuses explain my resignation. I accepted the situation as my new normal--even after a period of sickness caused by running out of my anti-depressants after which I told myself to never accept sudden new symptoms as "normal." 

The fatigue wasn't new, after all. I've always had less stamina than most people. Always needed more sleep. Always had some insomnia. But during this period, I exaggerated my past issues in my mind. Really, if they had been anywhere near as severe, I would not have been able to make it through grad school. On the Panera day, I told myself that of course I got tired walking, I wasn't doing much of it. Never mind that in the past I could go from zero-to-trapsing around a new city in a couple of days. It would cause me to sleep later the next day, sure, but not to be afraid I'd pass out within the next three minutes. That was not a thing I should have accepted. Inability to function to that degree was not an okay thing. And even if it had been something untreatable, a new facet to my condition, I should have questioned it more. I know that on this side. Will I know that if my iron levels drop again?

I can only hope so.

This post doesn't have a firm message of: this is what I learned, or this is what you can do, except that you should never accept being miserable as a "new normal." Something is causing that misery, be it physical, mental, or circumstantial, and you are allowed to fight like hell to determine and eliminate that thing. It may take time. It may not be something you can change--but at least you can identify it. That's step one in making things better.

And you don't have to do it alone. If you have a good day, tell a friend Hey, if I try to pretend a bad day is the best things can get, remind me of this. If you haven't had a good day in a long time, hold up one from your past as an example. You may not be able to get to that place again, but it doesn't mean you can't get close. Every time you think something is normal, ask this question: But can it be better? 

It's okay if the answer is no. But if it's yes, then keep asking questions. That may be all you can do, but hope is so much better than resignation.

6 comments:

  1. Unfortunately, fatigue and depression can both affect your judgement. Among other things, they can both affect your memory, and if you can't accurately remember how you were in the past in order to compare your situation with the present, then how are you to know that you are in fact, worse? I've had iron deficiency anemia, and I can tell you that yes, it completely zaps your energy--especially if you are dealing with other physical ailments on top of it. Any ailment can affect your judgment and it's important to keep that in mind. If you are lucky (and it seems you are) you will be surrounded with friends and family that will express their concern and point out that you are not doing as well as you should be. It can be hard to drag yourself to the doctor --ESPECIALLY when you feel crappy, weak and exhausted (I know) but be wise and listen to your friends, your family and your body, even if your mind is telling you that it's "nothing new" or too much trouble. A little tip: One sign for anemia (and I'm curious as to whether or not this was your own experience) is chewing ice. Yes, chewing ice! So, if you suddenly find yourself craving the crunchy cold of ice chips, then get yourself checked pronto!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Unfortunately, fatigue and depression can both affect your judgement. Among other things, they can both affect your memory, and if you can't accurately remember how you were in the past in order to compare your situation with the present, then how are you to know that you are in fact, worse? I've had iron deficiency anemia, and I can tell you that yes, it completely zaps your energy--especially if you are dealing with other physical ailments on top of it. Any ailment can affect your judgment and it's important to keep that in mind. If you are lucky (and it seems you are) you will be surrounded with friends and family that will express their concern and point out that you are not doing as well as you should be. It can be hard to drag yourself to the doctor --ESPECIALLY when you feel crappy, weak and exhausted (I know) but be wise and listen to your friends, your family and your body, even if your mind is telling you that it's "nothing new" or too much trouble. A little tip: One sign for anemia (and I'm curious as to whether or not this was your own experience) is chewing ice. Yes, chewing ice! So, if you suddenly find yourself craving the crunchy cold of ice chips, then get yourself checked pronto!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I only posted once; I don't know why my posts are showing up twice. I deleted the second copy of my zombie comment, but left this one so that you can see there is a problem with the site.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Huh, it didn't do it this time. I'm perplexed. Is there a way to edit once the comment has been posted? I don't see any kind of "edit" button....

    ReplyDelete
  5. Huh, it didn't do it this time. I'm perplexed. Is there a way to edit once the comment has been posted? I don't see any kind of "edit" button....

    ReplyDelete
  6. I only posted once; I don't know why my posts are showing up twice. I deleted the second copy of my zombie comment, but left this one so that you can see there is a problem with the site.

    ReplyDelete